Hanging on the Telephone: Communication During Intimacy
“I had to interrupt and stop this conversation
Your voice across the line gives me a strange sensation
I’d like to talk when I can show you my affection
Oh, I can’t control myself
Don’t leave me hanging on the telephone
Hang up and run to me.”
You may not be as old as me, getting the reference to the Blondie song, but when a friend asked for a blog about communication, this was my first thought. Why? Well my brain is full of tap dancing penguins. Let’s follow my train of thoughts. Someone tells me they are having trouble in the bedroom. I think of all of the physiological and physical things that could contribute and then I go next to feelings and communication. When I think of communication, I think of a game of Telephone. That game can either be super lame or fun. It’s super lame when the phrase that started is repeated at the end. It’s really hilarious when something starts out, “I like the deep blue sea,” and ends with, “Please don’t poop on me.” That’s a real life example from my silly Girl Scouts, BTW…
Anyway, the opposite is true for communication in the bedroom (or the kitchen floor or the laundry room). It is not super seggsy for someone not to understand what you want or need. It is also not really all that fun if your partner doesn’t tell you what they are feeling or looking for. It is also super awkward if your dirty talk game is rusty. So that brings me to the point that there are a bunch of ways to communicate in the bedroom.
Ways to Communicate – check out this article for more details
- Verbal
- Non-verbal
- Writing
- Listening
- Visual
Verbal communication is what is said (or not said). It is the words we choose, the way we choose to say them, the inflection behind them, the timing, and the cadence. Think about an example in the bedroom using the phrase “Don’t stop.” This phrase can range from meaning, “What you are doing is so amazing, I cannot bear for you to stop,” all the way to, “Don’t hurt me, I need you to stop what you are doing right now,” with the change of how the words are said, timed, and emphasized. A simple question like, “Are you OK?” can come off as a kind check-in to one partner, and feel like a stab at another partner’s performance.
Non-verbal communication is all that fun stuff happening without words. Non-verbal communication can include facial expressions, posture, eye contact, hand movements, and touch. Looking up from your phone when your partner talks to you. Winking at your partner from across a crowded room. Leaning towards or against a person in a moment of interest. Guarding your partner with your body on the street if a car is too close. Non-verbal communication is holding, couch snuggling, and late-night spooning. It may be intimate or sexual in nature, and it may not be. But it is all the things that your bodies say, without words. Intimacy involves a lot of non-verbal communication.
We can communicate by written word or text. As a human population in 2022, we do this on a very regular basis. We are always writing emails, sending texts, posting our thoughts, and sending our written word out into the world. One of my favorite jokes is: “Text me like a normal human.” When it comes to intimacy, this form of communication can be as simple as, “Babe, I picked up the kids and dinner and am on my way home,” to “You, me and the red underwear at 2pm today.”
Listening communication is a reference to active listening. This is when your partner says something, we hear and process it, and we respond to the communication. “I really love when you touch my body like XYZ,” and then the partner communicates that understanding by fulfilling the request. We have to be great active listeners to be considered good communicators.
In a world of memes, GIFs, and reels, visual communication is a newer way to convey messages and meanings. We spend a lot of time with media content from TV, our phones, Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, YouTube, etc and things are being communicated to us this entire time.
Let’s take a moment to check in and ask some questions about your communication in the bedroom.
- What is your preferred form of communication to a partner?
- What way do you like a partner to communicate with you?
- Which do you think is your strongest area of communication?
- Have you ever been frustrated by your ability to communicate with a partner?
- Have you ever had difficulty with your partner’s ability to communicate with you?
What we need to address when talking about communication and intimacy is the back and forth. One partner may be super communicative, pontificating on their wants, needs, and feelings. This may be out of the comfort zone for other partners. The form of communication attempted to be used may be off-putting or confusing the other partner. There are tons of variables. Just like love languages – click here to take the quiz to find out yours – each person may have preferred methods of communication AND strengths/ weaknesses in these areas. The funny thing is they might not coincide. I like an example from a sex therapist I follow, Vanessa Marin. She openly talks about how her partner would talk dirty to her, and she would enjoy it but never respond. One day he asked her about it and she has never even realized it was an issue!
Verbal communication can be tricky in the bedroom. It might look like trouble with talking dirty, feeling shame with expressing wants and needs or overall inexperience in asking for what you want, or even knowing what you like or how to express it. Some people may enjoy more of a quiet, zen experience and be so caught up in enjoying it they are unaware their lack of vocalization makes their partner uncomfortable.
Non-verbal communication comes with issues for a variety of reasons. Everyone has different sensory systems. What feels good for one person, may rub the other person the wrong way, literally. Eye contact is a huge form of non-verbal communication that can be great for some and overwhelming for others. Facial expressions and body language are very important to pay attention to. If you make gagging faces while performing a sex act on your partner, they’re probably not going to feel super great about it.
Written and visual communication can be wonderful ways to stay connected, playful, and also act as great foreplay in any sexual or intimate relationship. John Gottman refers to “small things often” as a way to build a stronger relationship. Sweet text, emails, messages, and on point memes or GIFs can all be a way to fill up on some of these small things. If a couple wants to take it further, there are lots of fun ways to use written or visual communication to add a little spice to things.
I think the sexiest of all the communication styles is active listening. Why? Because this is where so many sexual experiences go so wrong. One partner says something and the other partner hears it. The receiving partner can do nothing OR they can act. Which experience do you think will be better? The one where the partner hears it and reacts appropriately!!!! I cannot tell you how many times I have patients tell me they continue to have sexual relations that are uncomfortable or unsatisfactory because they don’t communicate this.
What would that look like? Here are some examples:
“I really like it when you do ____ like ____”
“When you touch my _____ please use _____ touch with ____ pressure at _______ speed.”
“I am so glad you did ______ but can we _______ now?
“It’s a little uncomfortable ______, can we try _______ to see if that feels better?”
It is always great to communicate about sexual expectations when NOT IN THE MOMENT. It is a pretty big mood killer if you pull out the top 10 things your partner is doing wrong while in the act of trying to be intimate. Some scenarios where it is great to have good communication before jumping in can be helpful include:
- A first intimate encounter with a new partner
- Returning to intimacy after having a baby
- Anytime resuming intimacy after a surgery or injury
- After a “lull” in sexual/physical activity
- Anytime there is an issue that needs to be addressed, whether it is to decrease pain all the way to increasing pleasure/enjoyment
This conversation should start out with a soft start up (a Gottman tool) where you gently ease into the conversation. Starting with some positives can be helpful. When there is feedback that may seem more “negative,” try to tackle them one at a time with as much kindness and consideration as possible. An example below:
Partner A: “Hey darling, I’d love to talk to you about our intimacy.”
Partner B: “Ok, what’s up?”
Partner A: “I really like XYZ. Its makes me feel _______ (positive things) AND I’d feel even better if you could ________”
We need to remember that our partners are not mind readers, nor should they be. Let’s think about a non-sexual scenario. You and your partner go to a restaurant and look at a menu. You both look at the menu. Your different food preferences, taste buds, and past food experiences guide what you will pick as your preferred meal. You may be the type of person who orders the same thing every time. You may be a person who tries something different every time. You may be somewhere in the middle with a handful of regular choices to rotate through. The point is, you and your partner will likely select something different based on past experiences. When the food comes, there are more options to consider. Do you share it? If you share, how do you share? Do you drink from the same cup? Do you split things evenly onto separate plates? Do you feed each other? There are a million different scenarios and none are right or wrong. All of them require some form of communication. If you just reach across the table and monkey fist a bite of your partner’s gnocchi, it is probably not going to go over well.
As a pelvic health therapist, there are a few areas where I think communication during intimacy is key. These circle around arousal levels, pain with intimacy, and preference of activity. Can I get back on my soap box for a hot second? Well, if your answer is no, stop reading but if not, go on!
I feel the need to explain that vaginal/vulvar wetness and penile erection/hardness do not reflect arousal again, forever. Our societal assumption that these bodily functions indicate how we feel emotionally grinds my gears but it also is super important for communication. Vagina owners feel shame, guilt or some other way about telling their partner if they are uncomfortable due to dryness. They suck it up and have a painful experience instead of communicating they need to add some lube to the process. They just don’t ask for or use lubricant because they are afraid it will communicate that their partner isn’t enough. Same with erections and hardness. A partner may take a lack of erection or a semi-erect penis as a sign that things aren’t going well during intimacy. A good erection is all about blood flow, and sometimes the blood flows in different directions while doing other non-erection related sexual activities.
People also struggle communicating about pain during intimacy. One partner experiences discomfort, but wants to please the other partner and doesn’t speak up. However, no one should have painful sex (I use the word sex, but know I don’t just mean penetrative activities). Also,n ot telling your partner robs them of the ability to know and adjust what they are doing. Letting your partner hurt you hurts both of you, because any worthwhile partner does not want to cause pain.
Why don’t people speak up? They’re embarrassed. They feel “less than” for needing something different or an accommodation. They’ve been taught their pleasure is not as important as their partner’s. They have been with partners who did not care about their comfort level in the past. They have spoken up and have disregarded and have given up trying.
The last area to discuss is preference of sexual activity. This one is another surprisingly tricky topic for people. Media and culture tell us we should both be swinging from the rafters in a fancy sex swing, but also very pure, innocent, and subdued in the bedroom, and that is a hard balance to strike. How do you come off as “not vanilla” in the bedroom while maintaining an air of virginity and innocence? Pretty impossible. My best advice is to let go of what TV, movies, books, and other media show you as “acceptable and right” and stick to what you and your partner enjoy and consent to. Don’t be afraid to let your partner know you enjoy one activity more than the other. Don’t feel that intercourse has to be the “main meal” of a sexual experience. If there is something you want to try, go for it. If you don’t know how, research it. For example, let’s say you’ve always been afraid or ashamed to try Butt Stuff. This may be because society tells you something like, “Its gay,” “Its dirty,” or “its for skanks,” or some other negative message about enjoying a part of your body. You can choose to throw away all those preconceived notions and find a guide to help you try it out. You and your partner can talk all about how and what you’d like to do and adventure from there. It may not end up being your thing, but you never know until you try!
Communication is a huge umbrella. I always joke the three sexiest things to me in the bedroom are confidence, communication and consideration, but really communication feeds those other two. As always, if you’re struggling in this area, there are tons of resources out there. A pelvic floor therapist can help you work on the physical pieces to help make things more comfortable for your body. A sex therapist or relationship counselor can help with some of the other components related to feelings and communication. And don’t forget your partner, because they are the biggest person on your team during this.
Perfectly Yours,
Dr. Mo
