A Slippery Debate: To Shower Sex or Not!

Welcome to my blog post about why TV show and movie shower sex scenes make me mad. I will start this rant off by saying that I have had issues with my pelvic floor and hip mobility since I was young, so part of my struggles with this topic probably stem from personal experience. I have a “high tone” pelvic floor which means my “down there” muscles are very tight. A high tone pelvic floor can cause all sorts of pelvic floor dysfunction. This can include pain with sex, urinary urgency, urinary frequency, frequent urinary tract infections (UTIs), frequent urinary tract infection symptoms (phantom UTIs), and constipation. Intercourse and orgasm have always been a bit of a struggle for me.

But back to shower sex… first I thought it was just me who did not LOVE it out of all the choices. When I mentioned jokingly how much I dislike shower sex, I was surprised to find that other people agreed with me. I was equally surprised at how many people did not agree, and claimed shower sex was the best. There seems to be very few in the middle, gray area. I always sympathize and then get feisty for those folks who think they are broken because something they see so much is so far out of reach for them. Just because you do not have intimacy experiences like those seen in television or movies, or those described in books, does not mean that there is anything bad, wrong, or missing in your life. As long as you consent to and are enjoying your intimate activities, all is good. 

I was watching “The Woman in the House Across the Street from the Girl in the Window” at the recommendation of my PT student last winter. Kristen Bell has some sexy scenes, and some of them were in the shower. I commented on how angry and salty shower sex makes me and how its not my favorite. We started discussing the issue at the lunch table, and this list poured out of me of why shower sex is on my poop list. #triggered 

I felt like someone out there might need to know that there are legitimate reasons shower sex is difficult so they don’t feel “less than.” So off we go…here is why I don’t love the portrayal of shower sex in shows and movies as being so wonderful. Do not worry though, I will also include the list of why people who are huge shower sex fans like it so much!

My Thesis: “Why Shower Sex is Hard from a Pelvic Floor Therapist’s Perspective”

• It is slippery in all the wrong ways. This makes it hard to position or hold on to a partner. As a physical therapist, all I can think of is, “Falling hazard” and “Watch out for your tailbone!” I know that is a super specific thought or fear to have, but it is what it is. Use a bench or step stool, you may say…well that is slippery AF too, and not super safe. 

• It lacks lubrication in all the right ways. The natural lubrication that a vulva/ vagina creates is naturally water-based. Water based means that it can be washed away easily with water. So trying to stay “wet” in the areas that need to be lubricated for comfort can get tricky. Silicone-based or oil-based lube can help solve this problem, but that can take pre-planning, and be slippery… bringing me back to point #1!

• If you plan ahead and bring your oil-based or silicone-based lube with you you then get back to #1. Ever get UberLube on the floor? 0/5 do not recommend! Funny story about that…I once got 2 – 3 drops of UberLube on the floor in my clinic and could not get it off with water, baby wipes, or cleaning spray. I had to call environmental services because it was as slippery as an ice skating rink. The best part of the story is that the gentleman who answered the phone did not miss a beat in asking me “oil-based or silicone?”

• The leg-to-torso ratio on most people makes it really hard to line things up in a comfortable way. This complaint was met with the suggestion to try sitting or bent-over positioning. 
  1. Who wants to sit on a shower floor? I sure do not. It is cold, wet, soapy (have I mentioned slippery?), and tiles feel like sandpaper on my skin. 
  2. What reasonably-sized humans can fit comfortably in a reasonably-sized shower that way? We don’t all have HGTV bathrooms of our dreams!
  3. Bare pelvic floors on bare shower floors = yuck. I do not want to sit on a bathroom or shower floor that is not in my own home. I’m a little sus about the one in my home, to be honest.
  4. Bent over is not great for partners with tight hamstrings. The amount of yoga, foam rolling and stretching I would have to do would not make the shower sex worth it.

• Someone is always cold and someone always has water in their face. I find neither of these choices erotic. Unless there are shower heads in every single direction, I dare you to disagree on the cold part, and you’re still being waterboarded. 

• Some genders are not at their most attractive while looking like they are drowning. I personally think my hair is flat, wet, and stringy when in the shower. Coming out and letting it dry in that transition will lead to a knotty, frizzy mess, frequently referenced by my daughter as “Beatrix Lestrange” hair. 

• Transitioning out of the shower experience makes everything along the pathway to the next destination both slippery, wet, and possibly lube-smeared. Maybe my old lady momness is coming out, but someone is going to have to clean that up! Also, the bed is going to get more wet than necessary if the proper amount of time has not been spent drying off during that transition.

• Even a step stool to assist with the height ratio thing still brings me back to #1 of the fact that someone is probably going to get injured. It is also super hard to relax the pelvic floor while standing. Just speaking up for all of my high-tone pelvic friends out there. 

• Having a shower bench/seat is and option, but bring me back to #5 of the fact that I do not want to be cold and wet while smooshing.

• It is really hard to orgasm standing up for a lot of people, so after all that work, there is not even a pay off (aside from intimacy with your partner I guess, but more likely laughs at a sexy experience gone comically wrong).

If shower sex is your thing, I am so happy for you (I’m even a little jealous). I never want to yuck someone’s yum. But for the folks who struggle in this department, know you are not alone! There are others of us avoiding tailbone injuries on the faucet and trying to figure out the physics of staying upright while moving, wet and slippery! Some of us are not turned on by waterboarding, and that is A-OK!

Here is the list of some of the positives of shower sex so that those of you who are down to clown in the shower feel represented. 

• Quick clean up. I can’t really argue with this one. It is convenient to be able to wash up immediately after intimacy, and to skip the wet spot on the bed, etc. I also make this recommendation for people who have partners who are not fans of bodily fluids, or if I have a patient afraid of leakage or squirting during sex or orgasm. No one will know!

• The increased opportunity for intimacy. I can’t really argue 100% against this one either. I can see how there can be something sensual and intimate about washing each other in the shower if that is what you and your partner are doing in there. I want to say that soap should never be in a vulva or vagina. Also, the shower I would take with my partner versus the shower I would take alone are very different. There is no way I can expect shaving my legs or armpits to come off as sexy. There is the potential for intimacy, but there is also the potential for awkward moments. 

• That shower head nozzle. Some people like powerwashing their clitoris. Joking…but really, some people enjoy using the detachable showerhead for stimulation, and the shower or bathtub is a great opportunity for that. 

• Warm water. This helps with aches and pains as well as relaxing and letting go after a stressful day. One of the biggest ways to improve sex drive according to Emily Nagowski in “Come As You Are” is to decrease stress levels. So if warm water gets your stress levels down, then get on in there!
• For my friends who get off from visually seeing their partners, shower sex can be for you. The lighting, the glistening water, and the nakedness would definitely all lean into that kink.

Here are some fun facts for you to review about shower sex:

• The Perfect Balance Clinic discovered that shower sex is the most common cause that leads to sex injuries they treat. 
• The most hazardous activities for all ages are bathing, showering, and getting out of the tub or shower.
• Only 2.2 percent of injuries occur while getting into the tub or shower, but 9.8 percent occur while getting out.
• At least 6 percent of each age group (and up to 19 percent) reported that they’d injured themselves while having sex.
• A poll from Cosmopolitan said that 13% of women think of shower sex, where as 29% of males think about it.
• Another poll from Trajan said 73% of men want to have sex in the shower! Shower sex even beat out “The Mile High Club” fantasies!
• Up to 92% of people have tried shower sex in their lifetime. 

And finally, some tips for keeping shower sex safe, because what kind of therapist would I be without mentioning those!

1. Use a non-slip or grippy bath mat to make the floor surface safer.
2. Stabilize yourself on a shower seat or chair (make sure it has the proper weight limit).
3. If this is a regular thing, invest in having handrails installed for even better grip and safety purposes.
4. Use the right lube to be safe to internal tissues, but make sure it doesn’t get on the floor or grip bars.
5. Use shower safe toys (if using toys). You want to know the difference between waterproof and splash-proof. No one wants to get electrocuted when trying to have a good time. 

Sex is not easy for everyone. Sex is definitely not what is depicted on TV shows and movies. Shower sex takes it to a whole new extreme. It may look hot and steamy, but it is not always that way for every person. Good (and safe) shower sex for most people takes some preplanning, communication and probably practice to get just right. 

Let me put my little disclaimer here that if you are someone who struggles with sex (it does not just have to be just penis in the vagina), there is help. Pelvic floor therapists, whether they are occupational or physical therapists, are here to help figure out what is causing difficulty and help to improve those causes. Pain or difficulty with sex or orgasm is usually multifactorial in what is causing it. Things like abdominal and pelvic floor muscles, lumbar and sacral nerves, the soft tissues, and the gential region skin can be anatomically problematic. From a physiological standpoint, stress levels, lubrication, and hormones all play into how easily sex goes. Then emotionally, we cannot forget about sexual history, experiences, and trauma. 

The good news is that piece by piece, bit by bit, we can work on improving all of these to help make sex and intimacy more comfortable and enjoyable. Shower sex may never be your favorite, but it can be something that you can experiment with and make your own decision about!

Dr. Mora